Steak & Shake Is Trying To Kill Me

KILL ME. Do you understand? I love it with a relentless, unavoidable love, a love that knows no boundaries, that knows nothing of time or death, and what do I get in return? Death. Delicious death.

Here is my favorite sandwich from Steak & Shake, the Frisco Melt:

Hey, baby, you so fine...

Look at that. Just take it all in for a minute. Toasted sourdough bread. Two all beef patties grilled to perfection. TWO kinds of cheeses - yellow american and swiss. And then, the ultimate topper and spread, Frisco Sauce, a magical potion that descended from heaven above inside a mother of pearl or possible number two plastic chariot. It is delicious. It is perfect. It is...

That popping sound is your heart valves exploding from shock.

It is almost twelve hundred calories. Twelve. Hundred. Twelve? No. Twelve hundred.
WHY DO THE THINGS I LOVE MOST HURT ME?

I was not privy to this information until recenty. In fact, even though I have lately been counting calories Steak & Shake hadn't even occurred to me at all, because they don't have any out here in Godless Cheyenne. Then, last week, I was at the Laramie County Library looking through the cookbooks for something to make and came across Fast Food Fix by Devin Alexander.

"Hey!" I thought to myself as I searched the table of contents. "The Frisco Melt! Man, I haven't had one of those in months! You know, I hadn't even thought about how many calories might be HOLY ROMAN CHOIR WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?"

"BITCH WHAT HAVE I BEEN TELLING YOU?" my heart screamed from my chest, scaring an elderly woman behind me. "HOW BAD DO YOU HAVE TO FEEL AFTER A MEAL BEFORE YOU GET IT, HUH?"

It was enough for me to get the book and stop at the Safeway on the way home to make my own Frisco Melt (whoever planned this city so that the Safeway is directly between the library and my apartment is evil).

My beef patties, both of them 2.5 ounces each. How do I know? Because I bought a food weight, that's how. Tendencies! I just have OCD tendencies. Also, the beef is 96/4, which means 96% beef, 4% fat. It's the leanest type of ground beef you can get, and you can't get it anywhere. If you can I recommend going for it. The leaner the beef the better. If you can't, most places do have 93/7, which is the next best thing.

When you're making your own sandwich you can toss everything into the same pan and fry it all up together. The recipe technically calls for sourdough bread, but that's wheat up there. One, because Safeway did not have any sliced sourdough bread, and two, I didn't feel like going anywhere else, and, I guess, three, I have shunned white bread in favor of wheat bread because wheat bread is healthier and I miss white bread so much! I do, I really do! But I figure if I keep eating wheat bread eventually I'll forget what white tastes like and I'll get over it. So, uh, you can use any bread you want, is what I'm saying.

The magical Frisco sauce, the thing that vaults the Frisco Melt over the bar of perfection to land softly on the mat of deliciousness. And I'm not going to put the recipe here. You should get the book yourself, at the library or at Amazon or something, because Devin Alexander put a lot into figuring out these recipes. As she says when making the McDonalds Big Mac Sauce:

"In order to re-create the sauce, I had to ensure that I had a supply that I could taste on its own - away from the other great flavors this burger stacks. So I requested "extra on the side." The friendly woman behind the counter didn't flinch. She quickly produced a sundae cup half-filled with the neon, salmon-colored sauce."

That is a visual I never, ever needed. Naturally, the recipes for the sauces are not spot on, as what gives the real stuff their extra edge probably isn't found anywhere in nature. But Alexander comes so, so close it doesn't really matter, and the recipe for Frisco Sauce she has bestowed unto me will be among my most cherished possessions. I might tattoo it on my arm.

And the finished result. Now, I know it doesn't look quite so delectable as the real deal, but I didn't have any of that fancy touch up stuff they use in food photos, like glue, and nail polish remover. But believe me when I tell you it's good enough to replace going to Steak & Shake. And nutrition wise?

I WANT TO LIVE!!!

Steak & Shake, I love you. But I've found a less abusive relationship, so until you can keep from pumping my veins with liquid death, we need to see other people.